21st Century Blackadder
by palmaviolet
Summary: The Blackadder dynasty has spawned a more modern incarnation - though still just as cunning, greedy and cowardly as any of his ancestors.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Blackadder and it's characters is the sole property of Richard Curtis, Rowan Atkinson and Ben Elton - not me. I gain nothing from writting this fan fic other than my intense enjoyment. **

* * *

**Twenty First Century Blackadder – because some sagas just won't die**

Watch out world because Edmund Blackadder is coming to get you! In 21st century England it seems the Blackadder dynasty has produced a new heir, perhaps more cunning and conniving than the rest, armed with his iPod, razor sharp quick wits and trusty time machine he is ready to take on the whole of history to get what he wants. Aided (annoyed) by his loyal and honest, if slightly malodorous, dogsbody Baldrick junior and the charming and pretty, if slightly brainless, Georgiana St Barleigh, Edmund is forced to do battle with roman centurions, Elizabethan lords and rock stars meanwhile having to navigate his way through his gcse's without getting put into detention thanks to that pretentious twerp, Kevin Darling.

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**Prologue – Blackadder Hall, just outside of Kent, England, 2002**

In the ornate drawing room of Blackadder Hall, two men stand, beneath a portrait of the noble war hero and the house's original owner – Captain Edmund Blackadder, talking. One, the owner of the house, is attempting to engage his friend in a conversation about the minor fiscal crisis over in Japan. Said friend was nodding along, oblivious to what was going on. The former was a pale man with dark hair that was greying slightly and frown lines on his forehead that had come in time from being perpetually annoyed. The latter was a taller man with ash blond hair and laugh lines which came from his being perpetually cheerful.

"How old is he now, Edmund?" George asked his friend when the conversation started to run dry

"Eight and half. A year older than Georgiana. You know that George." Edmund rolled his eyes and took a long drag of his cigarette, "Where are they anyway?" The two men looked around them and it was noted that their two young children were nowhere to be seen.

"Oh god, oh god! Call for a….fire engine or something!" George flustered, panicking and waving his arms about, knocking his drink over in doing so.

Edmund shook his friend by the shoulders and spoke to him very slowly, "George, calm down now or I will be forced to smash this priceless Elizabethan vase over your stupid head. They will be _fine_. Edmund, at least, has some common sense." George was still glancing round wildly, Edmund sighed, "Look if you are really that worried Baldrick can- Baldrick!"

A dumpy, dirty man carrying a silver tray walked up to the pair, "Yes m'lord"

"Go and find Edmund and George for me."

Baldrick looked them up and down puzzled, then said, "Well, aren't you Edmund, m'lord, and isn't that George?"

"Not us, you total waste of differentiated cells! The children! They've wandered off somewhere."

"Right-ho, I'll get right on it m'lord."

* * *

"Can I take the blindfold off now Edmund?" a childish female voice moaned. The young speaker was a little girl of about 8 and was impossibly cute, with creamy, ivory skin, rosy cheeks, full lips and masses of golden blond curls. Underneath her blindfold she had big, baby blue eyes surrounded by curtains of thick lashes. She was dressed in a flouncy white frock with a blue satin sash round her middle in direct contrast with her friend who was dressed in a dark grey shirt, black trousers and a black jacket. Her companion, a boy with jet black hair and an intelligent and serious expression spread across his young features, who was leading her down a poorly lit corridor, rolled his eyes at her childish impatience and yanked the blindfold off her.

"Ouch!" she moaned, fussing over her hair the way she'd seen her mummy do.

Edmund took her by the shoulders and looked straight into her eyes, "Now George what I am about to show you is completely top secret. Do you understand?" she nodded, "And you're not to tell anyone about this, understand?" she nodded again, "No one at all, not even your parents!"

"I know, I know!" George replied, shaking his hands off her, "Don't worry, I'm not completely stupid!"

Edmund snorted.

"Alright let's go." He took hold of her hand and took her through the big wooden door into a dark room. George was glad it was dark so he couldn't see her blushing. "Can't see a thing in here," Edmund mumbled to himself whilst fumbling for a light switch. But soon with a flash, the room was illuminated and once George's eyes had adjusted to the glow she could see a big box shape in the middle of the room, all covered in an old sheet.

"What is it?"

Edmund walked over to it and pulled the sheet off it with a dramatic flourish, revealing a large and cupboard like wooden box with a huge ornate clock on the front with the times written in Roman numerals. "It's my time machine!" he announced proudly

George skipped over to him in excitement, "A time machine! A real life time machine! For serious? For real? You're not just joking? Like the time with the aliens?"

"That was one time! But don't worry I have since matured enough to desist in executing my highly immature, pointless and extremely hilarious practical jokes on my dear acquaintances."

Most of those long words were lost on George but it sounded positive overall. "Oh wow, Edmund!" she said excited again, stroking some of the detailing on its door with her slim fingers, "Your own real live time machine!"

"Well technically, it belongs to my father," Edmund Blackadder the second admitted sheepishly, "But I'm sure he wouldn't mind and anyway," he glared at George, "We're not going to tell him, are we Georgie?"

"I'd rather shave off all my hair than tell," which, from George, constituted as a pretty serious promise.

"But there are rules though, if you want me to let you use the time machine."

"Ok."

"Rule one- I'm the leader. Rule two- annoying the leader is punishable by death! Rule three- no drinks near the control panel, you know in case you spill it."

"Ok, ok," George quickly agreed, eager to do some serious time travelling, "Where are we going to go first, skip?"

"Well that's where the problem arises, you see. It isn't a very big problem. Teeny, tiny, microscopic, miniscule….non-existent, really…a lot like your brain, Georgie" he said pulling one of her corkscrew curls so he could watch it spring back

"Yes?"

"I don't know how to fly it yet, but it shouldn't be too hard to…" But Edmund was cut off short by a voice behind him.

"Erm excuse me, sir, but erm I think my dad's outside looking for you and…" Edmund and George spun round in shock to face the newcomer.

"Ahh! Ghost!" George squealed jumping up in fright at him. He was a young boy though perhaps younger than George and Edmund for he was about a head shorter than them. He had a messy, dishevelled look about him. His wispy light brown hair stood up in all directions and his clothes were covered in mud like he had been playing outside on a rainy day.

"It's not a ghost, George, but something equally undesirable I'll admit. This is Baldrick, our cleaner's son and waste of space. Baldrick, this is George, a family friend. Now, how long have you been in here, Baldrick?"

"Well actually, sir, been following yourself and Miss George for quite a while now."

"Have you really?" asked George, interestedly, "You must be fiendishly clever to have stayed hidden for so long!"

Baldrick didn't often receive complements and wasn't too sure how to respond to this social situation. Edmund gave George a withering look.

"George?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up. Now Baldrick, George's uncle is a highly famed lawyer, of course his claim to fame is losing _all _of his cases even the ones where his clients are little old ladies and they're up against chaps called Big Arthur McPsychopath but that's beside the point. The point is that sneaking around and following people is a very serious crime and we could sue you for it."

"Oh but sir, I've been ever so lonely since Nancy the spider ran away, I'd only just got over losing Timmy the fly and I just wanted someone to talk to."

"Oh can't he tag along Edmund? I know that he's completely filthy, but appearances can be deceptive and I think he looks a jolly decent sort."

Edmund sighed irately, "Fine but only because you've already heard everything and only so you can carry things for us and only when I've learnt to work it, ok?"

"Oh thank you, sir!"

"And you mustn't tell anyone about this, understand?"

"I shall take it to my grave, sir."

"Fine, you can hang around with us."

"Well hoorah for that," beamed George, "Do you want to go and get something to eat?"

Edmund checked his watch, it read half four. He hadn't realised they'd been gone so long. Still he doubted his father would be worried. Always a man with more important things on his mind was his father. "Yeah alright then, come on you two."

The three children trooped out, Baldrick, George then Edmund. As he left, Edmund switched off the lights and locked the door behind him with a little key, before stashing the key into his pocket and going after the others.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1 – St Wilfred's Academy for Young Ladies and Gentlemen, Kensington, England, 2011**

**The best years of your life**

**Kevin**

Kevin Darling sat alone in his dorm room gazing out of the window like he had been all summer but today it was different – instead of empty fields and caretakers he saw limos and taxis pulling up at the school gates and everywhere he could see a swarm of his classmates catching up on all that had happened over the summer. He doubted anyone had realised he wasn't there.

Kevin usually stayed at school over summer. He knew it was necessary because his father could never get time away from the hospital but it was still unbearably lonely. Whilst everyone was swapping summer stories, he remained on the outside. As usual.

Outside he could see a group exit a black stretch limo that had just pulled up. The first to get out was a short, scruffy boy who was carrying what looked like 3 sets of luggage. Next was a girl with golden blonde curls. George Kevin thought, smiling slightly to himself. George was in most people's opinion one of the prettiest girls in school and definitely the prettiest girl in the year.

In Kevin's opinion she was more than merely pretty, she was beautiful. Not only that, she was also beautiful on the inside as well as out. She was kind to the younger pupils, she always volunteered to do extra-curricular charity work and she was one of the few people to call Kevin by his first name rather than a sarcastic Darling.

Kevin had to admit, illogical though it was, he had a slight crush on her. A straight A* student having a crush on the girl who thought that the square root of four equalled rainbows.

Still the thought of someone as lovely as George existing in a world full of such pain and hatred filled Kevin with intense joy even though he knew she would never notice someone like him. After all Kevin thought bitterly she's far too busy fawning over that git Blackadder to notice anyone.

The last out the limo was a tall, pale young man with dark hair and even from a distance Kevin could make out the satisfied smirk on his face. Blackadder. The smile on Kevin's face was replaced by his usual scowl. How he hated that loathsome creature. He detested the way he struts around like he owns the place, the way he constantly turns his nose up at everything, the way he was so cruel to everyone, even poor George. George, who never had a bad word to say about anyone and he was always belittling her – it made Kevin seethe just thinking about it.

Kevin watched as George ran into the crowd of her admirers and was receiving hugs and high fives from nearly everyone she passed. She was so sunny and bright that everyone she talked to paled in comparison. "Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon" Kevin thought distractedly as he continued to view the scene from his window. Whilst George was out integrating, Kevin noted that Blackadder was being his usual loner self and distancing himself from the crowd.

Kevin failed to see how two people as different as George and Blackadder could be friends. It was like they were polar opposites. Light and dark. Night and day. Good and evil…

Observing all the new first years, wide eyed and nervous made Kevin cast his mind back to his very first day, when he first met George and Blackadder, all those years ago…

_His father had taken him to the train station in his battered old Fiat especially so he could wave him off. His mother had died when he was very young so his father had had to juggle his shifts in the hospital with looking after a small child but they managed._

_That said they weren't the richest. He had only gotten in on a scholarship and his uniform was all second hand. Kevin had never viewed his family as poor though and he was happy at home with his dad for he barely remembered his mother at all._

_When standing behind them in line at the ticket office stood a little girl with golden blond curls, big blue eye, full lips and a neat as a pin school uniform with an elderly, plump woman who I later learned was George's Au Pair. Whilst the two grown-ups had chatted about the weather and what not, Kevin had smiled shyly at the pretty girl and she had said in a clear, educated voice, "You going to St Wilfred's as well then?"_

_"Erm yes." He had mumbled back, stupidly._

_"What year are you going to be in?"_

_"Year se-I mean first year."_

_"Me too!" she had said gleefully, "I say, I hope this doesn't sound too forward but would you like to sit together on the train?"_

_"Alright then." He replied, relieved he wasn't going to have to sit by himself, "Erm I'm Kevin by the way."_

_"I'm George. My full name is Georgiana but everyone just calls me George or Georgie."_

_After they had said goodbye to their respective guardians and gotten on the train together, Kevin had confessed at feeling slightly nervous at the thought of starting a new school, to which George had cheerily said, "Oh don't you worry one bit, Kevin. My friend Edmund, who's a second year now, said the school is perfectly lovely and promised to show me around. I'd bet he'd do the same for you if you ask him, he's jolly decent that way."_

_Though her reassurances didn't make Kevin feel entirely better, the thought of having George and this friend of hers to look after him did make him feel somewhat less worried._

_When they were eating the lunches that they had been packed, Kevin confessed to George that he was only a mere scholarship student and was worried that people would make fun of him for it. She said, with her signature, sunny smile, "A scholarship? Gosh, that must mean you're awfully clever! I expect you'll be top of all your classes."_

_All though she hadn't offered a solution to his problem or even answered his question, the praise made him feel a lot better especially coming from someone as pretty as George._

_"Not like me of course," she had continued, "I'm as thick as an extremely thick brick. I'm going to be bottom for everything."_

_"No you're not! There must be something you can do."_

_"Well I quite like art and history – though I'm not very good at that. And some people say I'm a decent singer."_

_"Well there you go! I'm terrible at art and singing."_

_At that she was beaming once again, "Thank you Kevin!"_

_Kevin remembered arriving at Dalton on that first day, he remembered how tall everyone had seemed – like giants – and how big and strange and new it all had seemed. He remembered seeing a tall, smirking boy walk up to them with his hands in his pockets. "Train didn't crash then, Georgie? Pity…"_

_George giggled nervously at that. The dark haired boy stared at him for a moment looking him up and down. "Who's this George? New boyfriend?" More nervous laughter on George's part._

_"No, this is Kevin. He's a first year like me. We met on the train."_

_His smirk grew more pronounced, "I'm Edmund Blackadder. What dorm are you in, Kevin?" His arrogant voice was laced with sarcastic malice._

_"Dorm 16." Kevin had murmured back in reply._

_"What a coincidence!" he exclaimed sarcastically, "I'm in room 15 next door, so I'll be able to look out for you," he glanced at the suitcase label that bared Kevin's full name, "Darling!"_

_Kevin had gone red with a mixture of shame and fury by now, and the smile was spreading across Blackadder's face._

_"Edmund…" George murmured uneasily to try and pacify him._

_"Come on, George. I'm bored now."_

_"Well I-I- told Kevin…"_

_"Come on, George." He repeated, more firmly this time. George shot him an apologetic look before leaving with Blackadder._

_"I'll see you tonight then, Darling," Edmund said loudly upon departing so that everyone in close proximity could hear. Once they had gone, Kevin headed to the library and stayed there until the start of term assembly. George didn't try speaking to him again for weeks after that but unfortunately Blackadder did._

_He would cruelly taunt him. Tripping him at any opportunity he got. Stealing his school books and defacing his homework so he'd get in trouble. Blackadder said that a teacher's pet like him deserved all that was coming to him and it seemed that most people agreed with that…_

Then suddenly the school bell rang rousing Kevin from his memories. He got up and straightened his tie before heading down to the main hall to watch the start of term assembly. He planned to keep his head down this year, play it safe and see George more often. After Blackadder had left St Wilfred's, he could work on plucking up the courage to ask her on a date.

**Edmund**

Edmund Blackadder was the last out of his luxury limousine. 17 years of age and about to begin his 7th and final year at St Wilfred's. He felt no need to begin stressing about his a levels or his future, he had everything secured. Unlike George who had felt the need to cry 4 times during the whole journey, wailing childish and overly melodramatic things such as, "I'm never going back! Everyone hates me! What if I just kill myself? You'd be sorry then!" The first time she did it, it was almost amusing but after a while George's little temper tantrums.

George was just another of the imbeciles Edmund had never been able to free himself from. The other imbecile was Baldrick. If he had to choose between Tweedledum and Tweedldummer, George would win each time. Stupid as she was, at least George knew the function of soap and was a frequent user of the substance, in stark comparison to Baldrick.

Other than her brains, and lack thereof, the most infuriating (and occasionally useful) thing about George was the constant hoard of hanger ons and fans that surrounded her. That wasn't an issue with Baldrick as most people assumed he was some sort of zombie due to the smell and the fact he drooled often.

Edmund knew this was his year. The year he would show the world what the Blackadder family could do. And unfortunately, his plans required George and Baldrick.

Edmund put his iPod on louder to drown out the squeals of, "Oh my God, Georgie darling, you look incredible!" and the shouts of "Looking good Georgie!" It was most distracting.

"Eddie?" George asked him.

"George, I have told you a million times, if you persist in calling me by that ridiculous, childish nickname, I can't be held responsible for what I'll do to you. What is it?"

"I'm just going to go mingle; I'll see you at dinner."

"Don't catch any more stds!" he called after her, while George almost pranced off – not an easy feat, across a field when in 2 inch heels – followed by several other unsuitably dressed girls.

He saw several 3rd year boys muttering to each other, saying crude things like, "-definitely be up for some – fit girls fancy other fit girls, it's just-." "-like the three musketeers, but hotter-", gaggles of first years staring at George with awestruck expressions and 5th year girls discussing her, as if she was some sort of celebrity "-she's just too perfect, y'know, all hourglass shaped like a movie star?" "I'd kill for hair like hers." "I heard that she's been dating James Flashheart over the summer-"

Edmund was surrounded by morons.

One more year, he told himself, one more year.

Edmund didn't really see the appeal in George. Of course she was mildly attractive, in an obvious sort of way, but he didn't think her special enough to deserve this amount of attention. She was just George to him. Dependable, idiotic and easily manipulated George.

Which is why she was necessary to his plan.

**Georgie**

Georgie and two of her closest girl friends walked down one of St Wilfred's many long, stone corridors, catching up on the drama that summer had brought. Tallulah had modelled in Tatler and had cut her once long hair into a sharp bob. Parminder had gone to India and she met George Clooney on the plane. Georgie had played Jane Bennett in a BBC2 reboot of Pride and Prejudice, been clubbing with Pippa Middleton and had tried cous cous for the first time and quite enjoyed it. But Tallulah and Parminder knew that already – they wanted the real story.

"And the rest," said Tallulah Clark, a slim, brunette girl with emerald green eyes and high cheekbones.

"The rest? I can't say I know what you mean, Lulah" Georgie asked, attempting at being aloof.

"Georgiana St Barleigh, you know exactly what!"

"Tell us the buzz with you and James!" pleaded Parminder, the daughter of an Indian ambassador who had flawless tan skin and endlessly long black hair.

"Oh him. We're on a "break"." Georgie said with a sigh.

"What happened? You were all over each other at Arabella's sweet sixteen."

"Sometimes I feel like I might love him, but other times he's the most infuriating person on the planet. I don't think we'll be getting back together again."

"Do you still like…Eddie?" Tallulah asked cautiously.

Georgie nodded.

"Oh baby!" Parminder sighed and the three girls hugged in the corridor together.

"He's such an idiot, not to realise how wonderful you are!" Tallulah insisted.

"We've been friends since we were young – I'm scared if I say anything it'll make it awkward."

"I know, I know."

"Poor Georgie!"

"Oh Mindy, Lula, I don't know what I'd do without you!"

"I love you guys!"

"I love you guys too!"

After a minute or so the three girls were crying together about how much they loved each other and how much more beautiful the other 2 are in comparison to themselves.

"Come on baby, let's go to that silly assembly," Tallulah said finally.

"I want to check my makeup first," said Georgie.

"Me too!"

"Me three!"

The three girls dissolved into a fit of giggles and they wandered to the nearest bathroom.

George knew how silly it was, how could Edmund ever love a girl like her? She wasn't intellectual enough or pretty enough or "Lizzie" enough. Lizzie was Eddie's last girlfriend. She was pretty, with masses of red curls and clever and "influential". Then she dumped him.

Even after all this, George still hoped that one day Edmund would see through her disguise and know that there's something more that she's trying to say.

She had been asked why she liked him a million times. He is rude, they said, and plain and spiteful and rude and bossy. But George didn't care much what they thought – she saw something else in him. She saw someone better than what they said and she knew she could show the others as well. This year she had three aims, to play the lead in the school musical, to grow 2 inches and to show the world the goodness in her Edmund's heart.


End file.
